| Author | Message | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 897 Registered: 10-2005 |
~~~~~~~~ (Many thanks to E for all her help to bring this together) (Thank you M and Lisa and Gary for your advice on the 'under jeans' thing.) (Message edited by lazarus on January 24, 2006) And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3849 Registered: 07-2002 |
Lazarus--the opening of this is just perfect! I love the line breaks and the metaphor. Well done. I was confused by the 'under jeans in a one piece' and it took me several reads to get that she wore jeans over a one piece bathing suit. Can you shift this so it shows us he thinks she's sexy instead of telling us? Perhaps said more directly? And that would remove the echo on 'under'. eg: He traced the lines of her one-piece through snug jeans, believed she could breathe under water, untangle the knots in his net. Lovely images here. best, ljc Once in a Blue Muse Blog | ||
| Teresa White
Intermediate Member Username: teresa_white Post Number: 504 Registered: 01-2005 |
Lazarus, Your opening stanza is nothing short of beautiful!! The entire poem is quite original with lovely metaphor. I did manage to read this when you first posted (but didn't get a chance to comment before you removed to another board). I really like your revised ending! This one's a keeper for sure. My best, Teresa | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 900 Registered: 10-2005 |
Lisa- You make a good point. I wonder how others will see this. The use of 'he saw' is intentional to show how men are very visual and see what they like, while women tend to feel it. But if I have to explain it I'm not succeding anyway. I will definately think on this. Teresa- Thanks so much. I felt bad about pulling it, but it was missing so many important pieces, that I really needed to take it down. For those who want so see some of the revisions they are in Sublux. I'm glad the ending works for you. It has many new layers. I should give some recognition to the latest challenge which began this work. Thank you M for a hard but worthwhile puzzle! And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Karen L Monahan
Intermediate Member Username: klhmonahan Post Number: 652 Registered: 08-2004 |
Laz! (sigh) This is just wonderful. Your images are beautiful, and packed with meanings. Well done. (((smile))) Karen | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3730 Registered: 07-2003 |
A good revision Lazarus, you carried the metaphor through well.  | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6400 Registered: 07-2001 |
Lisa makes a point, the poem so good that a small flaw shows big. Smiles. Gary A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 906 Registered: 10-2005 |
Gary- Thanks for your input. How about 'beheld'. I'm going to put it in as I think it's better but maybe not a fix. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 6401 Registered: 07-2001 |
For me it is the under jeans Smiles Gar Aires A River Transformed The Dawg House December Fireweed | ||
| M. Kathryn Black
Senior Member Username: kathryn Post Number: 2993 Registered: 09-2002 |
Lazarus, everyone reads a poem differently. I saw no nits in this exquisite piece. Best, Kathryn | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2569 Registered: 08-2003 |
Laz, Mighty proud. E | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 910 Registered: 10-2005 |
Oh Gary, that's the tomboy in me! The not quite girly feminine ways that I know 'he' would recognize in this poem. (Hope everyone likes 'beheld,' I think it's a fit.) Kathryn- Thanks so much. Yes true. It's the moment, and what we bring to it. It's the magic. I'm glad you found it complete. E- So good to hear that from you. You're the best! And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Morgan Lafay
Advanced Member Username: morganlafay Post Number: 1342 Registered: 08-2005 |
Lazarus, this is so lovely. The format so perfect. I crown you winner of "Poet of the Day!" Intensely loved. | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 911 Registered: 10-2005 |
*lol* Morgan! Do I get a special sceptor to rule my kingdom of words? That would be fun, and I would have a ball and invite all of you to join in the dance! Thank you Morgan and also Karen and Zephyr for your kind words. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Dale McLain
Advanced Member Username: sparklingseas Post Number: 1726 Registered: 11-2004 |
Deliious, Kaz~ I agree with the rest on the lovely opening. The pearls also a wonderful image. I enjoyed this unique, pretty poem. take care~dale | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 922 Registered: 10-2005 |
Thank you Dale, and for calling me Kaz (cool name) I'll let you get away with calling it 'pretty!' I'm glad you enjoyed. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6444 Registered: 11-1998 |
I had the same problem Lisa did, Laz, with this part: "under jeans in a one-piece" It took me a couple of reads to get the meaning. So, I would suggest smoothing that since a few people mentioned their difficulty with the phrasing. Other than that, though, you have a wonderful poem here. Very sensual and sensuous, which in my opinion, is a perfect combination! | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 923 Registered: 10-2005 |
Yes M- thanks I see the 'under' is a bit confusing, for who is under, and who, or what is over! He beheld a sexy angel in jeans over a one-piece who could breathe underwater, untangle the knots in his net. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Kathy Paupore
Senior Member Username: kathy Post Number: 2946 Registered: 12-2003 |
Laz, a fine read. I'm late to it so I have no suggestions. K | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 941 Registered: 10-2005 |
Kathy - I'm glad you are late! This has gone through some changes, but I assume you read it after all that. This has been one of the hardest, best learning experiences in writing I've ever had. I'm glad to hear you enjoyed the read. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1484 Registered: 11-2003 |
love this lb | ||
| Lazarus
Advanced Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 1035 Registered: 10-2005 |
Laurie- Thanks. I just read it to my husband who tried very hard to remember this day. Finally, the name of the resturant came to mind- and those heady days- and we were both wearing red shells again. And the earth, bristling and raw, tiny and lost resumes its search; rushing through the vast astonishment- Ted Hughes, from His Legs Ran About. |
